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Yesterday, I watched “Materialists”, a new romantic comedy starring Dakota Johnson, Chris Evans, and Pedro Pascal. It left me feeling warm, happy, and a little bit hopeful for my own romantic future. I am not sure that I consider myself to be a hopeless romantic, despite my own history of relationships that are no longer active (is it ok NOT to call them failed relationships?). But, I do continue to hold hope in my heart that one day I will find the kind of love that I have longed for ever since I became aware of attraction to other people. For me, that kind of love is the kind that makes you feel seen, heard, understood, and loved anyway.

I still hope for the kind of romantic love that holds space for me and will grow with us as a couple. But even though I am still hopeful, I wonder sometimes if I am an utter fool for continuing to hold space for that hope. 

My internal questions about whether or not I am delusional about love were seemingly answered whilst discussing the movie with my friends yesterday. Both friends, one a bit younger and one a bit older than me, were convinced that not only would they never find love again, but that I was also doomed to suffer the same fate. 

I have to be honest, I left our conversation feeling a bit hopeless.

As a Capricorn, I was delighted to see some of the stereotypes of Capricorn energy playing out in the movie–the rich guy who works in finance, with the impeccable apartment and taste, who is smart, endearing, and kind, although also a bit reserved and only thinking of marriage as a way to find a worthy partner, and not in the romantic sense. I both related to the character, played by Pedro Pascal, and cringed when my friends argued that Dakota Johnson’s character should’ve chosen him because he was the wealthy and stable one. 

But am I delusional? In a world where we need so much money to survive comfortably, would I be a moron to turn down the opportunity to marry a wealthy, nice, handsome, stylish, thoughtful man who doesn’t love me? Would I do the same thing as Dakota Johnson’s character and choose the guy who loved her despite (and possibly because of) her faults? The one who lit up when she spoke to him and remembered her weird drink order?

My two friends assured me, over and over again, that the better catch is always going to be the rich guy. But looking back on my own dating past, and despite living under the stereotype of the money-focused Capricorn zodiac sign, I have consistently sought out to find the man who loves my laugh, my desire for an intellectual connection, my introversion, my curiosity. And while I have sought to make my own life as financially comfortable as possible, I have never looked to a man to participate in this endeavor.

Perhaps I am the crazy one?

Am I walking around in an accidental cloud of delusion, thinking that one of these days, despite my age advancing closer and closer towards infinity, I will find real love?

Yes, it’s hard to find love — especially the kind that’s nourishing, mutual, and emotionally safe. Yes, people are hurt, guarded, and exhausted. And yet, something in me still believes.

Not blindly. Not out of desperation. But because like any true Capricorn, I am resilient, even in my heart. 

Perhaps having hope, even when the world tells you not to have it, is a quiet act of rebellion. I think my hope means that I haven’t hardened as much as I think I have. Despite being bumped and bruised and more guarded than before, my heart is still open. I still want to give love a chance. Perhaps I am a fool, but also perhaps someone will one day love me for it. 

If you’ve ever felt like the only one holding onto the belief that love is still worth it — you’re not alone. And you’re not wrong for hoping. You’re not out of touch. You’re just brave.

Keep tending to your heart. Let it hope. Let it heal. Let it love again — when it’s ready.

All my love, Namaste.

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